Choosing to Live

This story contains suicidal ideation and an eating disorder
that could be triggering to some. Please be aware before reading.

“If you would have told me a couple years ago that I would be standing in front of a room full of strangers at a church function telling everyone my problems, I would have probably laughed at you.” – Kyle, Alpha 2023

Let’s rewind a little. A couple of years ago, my buddy Ryan needed some help at work.  I was retired so I figured, what the heck, and I jumped in. The job offered us a lot of opportunities to talk. Without fail, Ryan would drop something about God on me. Being me, I always dismissed it. One day he said to me, “What if we had a cigar and read through the Bible?” I love cigars so the idea sounded tempting, but I wasn’t ready to let my guard down.

In 2008, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Mixed Disorder. 30-60% of people with this disorder attempt suicide at least once. I thought about suicide every day for 14 years. My therapist taught me a strategy called “inner circle.” The idea was that my thoughts were too overwhelming and too destructive to leave my “inner circle.” Only family that knew about my disorders and struggles should be let into my circle. It was common for me to reach out to my inner circle in times when I felt overwhelmed, and they would talk me off the ledge.

The bravest thing I ever did was to continue to live when I wanted to die.

I have looked to suicide as my cure more times than I can count. I was consistently thinking of my final resting place, ideating the scenarios in my head. I was so depressed, so consumed by these voices, that I couldn’t eat. I was taking in less than 500 calories a day, mainly through liquids, waiting for death to relieve me from my burden of life. The bravest thing I ever did was to continue to live when I wanted to die.

One day I was driving across town, maybe about a five-minute ride when the darkness surrounded me. I felt overwhelmed. The voices in my head, or demons as I call them, became so loud that I couldn’t bear them anymore. I turned to my inner circle, calling my parents and eventually my wife. I just wanted to turn my vehicle off the ravine and end it all. “Kyle, it’s time to venture out of your inner circle,” my wife said.

Ryan showed up at my house to find me laying on our couch in the living room, sobbing, one foot in this world and one foot out. The demons convinced me to take my life and I would soon be relieved of the pain and constant despair. Darkness had overwhelmed me. I knew of demons before I ever knew God.

For the first time ever, I let someone, not family, into my inner circle.  None of my friends had any idea of the severity of my problems. My friend, Ryan, saw me completely broken. He responded with compassion. Through him, Light was shown into my darkness for the first time. So we began to smoke cigars and read the Bible together.

A few months of discussion went by. We would read and I would ask questions. Ryan would listen and would work through my concerns patiently. Then he invited me to Alpha. I have been in therapy for 15 years and never once did group therapy for a reason. It just wasn’t me. It took some convincing, but I agreed to go if he would come with me.

We were at Alpha on the first day, people were talking, and I am just watching and listening.  Halfway through I started thinking to myself, is this a joke? Everyone seems to be Christians and I was told this was for skeptics. I decided to tell them my story and talk about my battle with a deadly mental health diagnosis. I would let them decide how to follow a God that allows so much trauma into someone's life.

How could this woman love a God that would allow such suffering in her life?

Then sometime after sharing my story, someone else began to talk.  A lady spoke up in this soft voice. She started to tell us all these things that happened to her. The things she spoke about, I will not repeat. I don’t know how to even describe them. I guess horrible, but that would be an understatement. I noticed she was at peace with God, and I was confused.  How could this woman love a God that would allow such suffering in her life?

The next day, I went to the back of my property where I have this beautiful pond and waterfall.  I don’t know, but if there was any place to talk to God, to me this made sense.  I sat down and just started talking. I let him know of my issues, not that he didn’t know already.  I called it wrestling” with God. I was up there for easily a couple of hours. At the end of my yelling at him, I told him that I was in trouble and that I needed him now more than ever.  I then ended by asking him to help me with my suicidal ideation and to help me start eating. Tomorrow came, and I ate breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I didn’t have one thought of suicide.   

Kyle gave his life over to Christ. He trusted God as his good Father who sent His Son to die so that Kyle could live in the light and walk as a child of light, and he was baptized. To this day, his two prayers still hold true. He has experienced freedom from suicidal thoughts and eating disorders. Although God did not take away his bipolar disorder, Kyle now experiences peace. He is no longer tossed to and fro by the waves but has learned to kiss the wave that throws him on the rock of ages.

This may not be the case for everyone who walks a similar path, but it was Kyle’s situation. We have a page on our website dedicated to care resources. Click the button below to learn more.