From Dark to Light
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In 2016, Heather found herself in a dark, lonely season of anxiety and depression. As her world began to deconstruct, roles and relationships were taken away. A self-described doer and perfectionist, she felt vulnerable and old wounds of rejection were suddenly, again exposed. When her anxiety peaked, social situations felt increasingly unsafe. She began to dread everyday activities. The bottom of it all, Heather says, was wearing sunglasses to church because if she burst into tears, she didn’t want anyone to see. It became so frequent that she wanted to avoid church altogether. Despite the closing darkness, a long-time spiritual discipline of writing out her prayers kept her running to the Lord, even if sometimes stubbornly. And he was always there. Her emotions were raw and honest, yet God was constant. He was faithful to help her persevere.
As the hard months turned into years, Heather remembers lying in bed admitting she was tired of feeling fragile. Her next thought was very clear; that like labor pains, she needed to lean into her pain because something new would be birthed. She was reminded that even as her heart and flesh fail, God’s purposes were bigger.
Heather began to experience her time with God as sitting at his feet, resting. Instead of a clenched fist, she opened her hand in desperation toward his care. As he called her into rest, the Message version of Matthew 11:28-30 was an anthem, “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.”
From a new posture of acceptance to God’s plan for her, God gently began to expose Heather’s idols, like fear of man and achievement that contributed to her anxiety. Around the same time, she told her doctor about the “black cloud” she felt was following her at all times. He prescribed medication to help her cope with depression. Heather found that the right dosage of medication was evidence of God’s grace toward her. She now marks this as a turning point in this season from deconstruction to rebuilding.
With the dark cloud lifted, God began rebuilding a new faith. No longer a faith propped up on self-righteousness, but faith that better grasped God’s grace and mercy. Heather now understands, “We cannot be truly in awe of grace until we are continually aware of our desperate need for it.”
In hindsight, Heather thinks her faith before this battle was a nice “western” faith, full of church tradition; although, she knows she was faithful and felt connected to God. She described it as an “inch deep.” However, God used that season to “knock some things out of the way to get her full attention.” She feels like God was telling her:
“You can have this shallow faith that kind of rides from one emotional high to the next. Or, you can knock yourself off the throne and say, ‘my self-righteousness will only get me so far.’”
As a result, God has shown her freedom and abundance in a better understanding of the gospel. Heather can enjoy serving and reaping from a place of grace, instead of her own merit. There is still difficulty, but she is better at preaching the gospel to herself every day rather than listening to idols and emotions.
Faith in Christ is not a singular moment, God continually builds our faith. God is steadfast and kind to meet his sons and daughters where they are, regardless of our momentary responses to suffering. God does not abandon us in difficult seasons, nor does he waste them. As in Heather’s testimony, suffering is often a catalyst for his greatest works of sanctification and it can bring new life in Christ. Hebrews 2:10-11 declares, “For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering. For he who sanctifies, and those who are sanctified all have one source. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers”.
May suffering be a journey that takes you to Jesus in such a way that you, also, find an approachable and accepting savior. Jesus will sit with you as long as it takes to convince you of his love and care. He will not abandon you in your season of struggle and he will use it for your good and his glory. What a glorious way to give us more of himself and help us depend on him in greater measure. He promises life and rest as we come to him and in the end, the process brings him glory - the very thing we were created to do.